The bishop, the ward and the neighbours

In a Utah ward, your bishop may be your neighbour, your employer’s brother-in-law and your children’s friend’s father. Leaving quietly is a skill. Here is how people do it.

The bishop

You do not have to talk to him, and you do not have to explain. Many people want to, out of courtesy or to end a calling cleanly. If you do:

• Keep it short and set the terms. “My beliefs have changed, I need to be released, and I am not looking for counsel.” The script is two sentences.
• Do not bring your research. He has not read it and will not read it in that meeting. You will be treated as a problem to be solved.
• Confidentiality is not guaranteed. Listeners on the podcast reported bishops telling ward members, family and employers. Assume what you say may travel.
• Decline interviews you do not want. You are an adult. “I’m going to pass, thank you” is a complete sentence.
• Know the rules. The General Handbook, chapter 32: Repentance and Church Membership Councils says what he can and cannot do. Membership councils for people who simply stop believing are rare; they are for public opposition and specific conduct. If you want to be sure no council can ever be held, resignation ends the question; see Practical matters.

Watch for the believing spouse going to the bishop before you are ready. Ask them not to, kindly, and explain why: it makes the bishop part of the marriage.

Callings and ministering

Ask to be released. You can do it by text. Ask for ministering visits to be paused; you may have to ask more than once. If you want to keep some involvement (a music calling, the ward choir, the Christmas party), say so; plenty of non-believing members do, and a good bishop will be glad of the help.

The ward

You will be a topic for about six weeks and then someone else will be. The one-sentence answer, “I’m taking some time away from church while I work some things out”, covers ninety per cent of encounters. For the people who want to fix you, “I appreciate that you care, and I’m not looking for answers right now” ends it without a fight. The script has both.

Be ready for two things to happen. Some friends will fade; ward friendships were often friendships of assignment, and it hurts to discover which. And some people will pull you aside and tell you, quietly, that they have doubts too. Both happen to almost everyone.

The neighbours and the town

If you live in a place where the ward is the town, the change will be visible: the garments, the Sunday car in the driveway, the coffee. You get to decide how visible. Some people move gradually; some make one clean change. Neither is wrong. The thing to avoid is performing your exit for an audience, which feels good for a week and sets a tone for years.

Employment and BYU

If you work for the Church, CES or BYU, or study at BYU, your beliefs are a condition of employment or enrolment, and this becomes a practical problem with legal and financial edges. Do not disclose to anyone at work until you have a plan. Practical matters covers it, and Mormon Transitions did an episode on transitioning while working for the Church.

Records

Nothing about stepping back requires you to resign. Your records can sit in the ward indefinitely; being inactive is not a status the Church punishes. If contact from the ward is the problem, a request in writing to be left alone usually works, and resignation, through QuitMormon, ends it for good.