Practical matters

The decisions people agonise over most are often the practical ones, because they are visible. Here they are, one at a time, with what the rules actually say and what people commonly do.

Garments

Nobody but you decides this, and nobody is entitled to ask. Common approaches: stop all at once; stop gradually (nights first, then weekends); keep wearing them for a believing spouse’s comfort for a while. There is no rule that a non-believer must stop, and there is no rule that a member must keep wearing them once they no longer feel the covenant. If a spouse is distressed, talk about what the garments mean to them; often it is less about the cloth than about what it signals. Mormon Transitions did a whole episode on it with Kate Kelly.

Tithing

Tithing is required for a temple recommend and for nothing else. Stopping it has no effect on your membership. In a mixed-faith marriage it is a joint-money question: many couples agree that the believing spouse tithes on their own income, or that the household gives a matching amount to a charity both choose. The LDS Donations: What the Church Doesn't Want You to Know sets out what is known about the Church’s finances if that bears on your decision.

The temple recommend

Do not renew it if you cannot answer the questions honestly; do renew it if you can, on your own reading of them, and want to. John’s How to Stay in the LDS Church After a Major Challenge to Your Faith has a long section on how he approached the interview questions while staying. Letting it lapse changes nothing else about your standing. The cost is being unable to attend temple weddings, which is real; see Holidays, family events and General Conference weekend.

Callings

Ask to be released. You can do it by text. Nobody can make you serve, and a good bishop would rather have an honest no than a resentful yes. The script is two sentences.

Records and resignation

Being inactive has no formal status; your records stay in the ward and the ward may keep contacting you. A written request to be left alone usually works. Resignation, through QuitMormon (free, handled by an attorney so that no bishop visit follows), removes your name permanently and ends all contact and any possibility of a council. Read the General Handbook, chapter 32: Repentance and Church Membership Councils so you know what the Church’s side of the process is. Resignation of minor children requires a parent’s request; some couples wait until the children can decide.

Membership councils

Rare for ordinary members who simply stop believing and attending. They are used for public opposition, for certain conduct, and sometimes at the discretion of a local leader. If you are invited to one, you do not have to attend, and you can resign beforehand, which ends the matter. Mormon Stories has documented many; John’s own was in 2015.

Missions

If you are on a mission and lose your faith, you have three broad options: finish quietly, ask to go home, or talk to your mission president. Going home early is far more common than you were told and the stigma has faded. If your child is on a mission, or about to go, and you have left, your job is to support them as your child regardless; see Holidays, family events and General Conference weekend.

BYU and Church employment

The Honor Code and ecclesiastical endorsement make belief a condition of enrolment at BYU, and Church and CES employment has similar conditions. If you are a student or employee, your faith crisis is now a financial and possibly legal matter. Do not disclose to anyone connected to the institution until you have a plan: how many semesters remain, whether to transfer, what the endorsement process requires, what your contract says. Talk to a lawyer if you are an employee. Mormon Transitions did an episode on transitioning while working for the Church.

Coffee, alcohol, Sunday

These are the small ones that feel big. Nobody is keeping score. Try coffee if you want to and skip it if you do not; Natasha’s point on the podcast was that whether you drink is a values question that has nothing to do with belief in the Church. Sunday is yours; give it a shape you like. How to Leave the Mormon Church: An Exmormon's Guide to Rebuilding After Religion has chapters on all of this, including how to order a drink.