Scripts and letters

What to say to your spouse, your children, your parents, your bishop and your ward. Starting points to adapt, with copy buttons.

1 min read · Updated 2026-09-13

Nobody says these things well the first time, at 11 p.m., with their heart pounding. So here are starting points. Change every word that does not sound like you. Copy one, put it in your notes, and say it out loud once before you need it.

Say who you still are before you say what has changed.
One conversation is not the conversation. Plan for a series.
Tell them what you need from them. They cannot guess.
Keep the evidence for later, and only if they ask.
You are allowed to stop the conversation. So are they.

Telling your spouse

Spouse first, before anyone else, and before they hear it elsewhere. This is the one conversation you should not delay for months.

Opening the conversation

I need to tell you something that has been weighing on me, and I have been scared to say it because I love you and I do not want to hurt you. Over the last while I have been reading and thinking about the Church, and my beliefs have changed. I am not sure yet what that means for what I do, and I am not asking you to change anything. I am telling you because you are the person I share my life with and I could not keep carrying this alone. I am still me. I still choose you. Can we talk about it in pieces, over time, instead of all at once?

When they ask what you found

I will tell you anything you want to know, and I will be honest. But I do not want tonight to turn into me arguing you out of your faith. That is not my goal. I would rather we talk about how each of us feels and what we are afraid of. If you want to read what I have read, I will show you, whenever you decide you are ready, and not before.

Asking for what you need

What would help me most right now is for you not to tell anyone else yet, including your parents and the bishop, until we have talked more. And for you to know that I have not been unfaithful to you, I have not done anything wrong, and I am not trying to leave our family. I am trying to be honest with you.

Talking with your children

Age matters. Younger children need simplicity and reassurance; teenagers need honesty and the right to their own conclusions. Agree the words with your spouse first.

Young children (roughly 5 to 10)

You know how people believe different things about God and church? Mum and Dad are in that place too. I have some different ideas now than I used to, and Mum still believes the way she did. Both of those are okay. We still love each other and we still love you, and nothing about our family is changing. If you ever have questions about what you believe, you can ask either of us, and we will always tell you the truth.

Teenagers

I want to be honest with you, because you are old enough to notice and you deserve the truth from me instead of guessing. I do not believe some of the things about the Church that I used to. I am not going to tell you what to believe; that is yours to work out, and I will respect whatever you decide, including if you decide you believe. What I ask is that you keep talking to me, and that you do not feel you have to pick a side between your parents. There are no sides in this house.

Adult children

I have something to share and I would rather you hear it from me. My beliefs about the Church have changed. I know this may be hard, and I know you may have questions, or may not want to talk about it at all. Either is fine. I am not asking you to agree with me or to change anything in your life. I am telling you because I do not want to have a secret from you.

Telling your parents

Parents often hear "you are leaving" as "we failed" or "we will not be together in the eternities". Name that fear before they do.

A letter to believing parents

Dear Mum and Dad,

I am writing this rather than saying it because I want to get the words right, and because I want you to be able to read it more than once.

Over the past year my beliefs about the Church have changed. I did not go looking for this, and it did not happen because I wanted to sin, or because someone offended me, or because I stopped loving God or you. It happened because I learned things about our history that I could not make fit, and after a long time of trying, I stopped believing the Church is what it says it is.

I know what this may mean to you, and I know you may worry about our family in the eternities. I cannot fix that worry, but I can tell you that I am the same person you raised: I still value honesty, service, family, and hard work, and I got all of that from you.

What I need from you is not agreement. I need to still be your child, to still be welcome at your table, and for this not to become the only thing we talk about. I do not need you to argue with me, send me talks, or ask the bishop to visit; if you have questions, I will answer them honestly whenever you want.

I love you. That has not changed and it will not.

Replying to "you were offended" or "you wanted to sin"

I understand why people say that, and I know you are trying to make sense of this. But it is not what happened to me, and I would ask you to take my word for it. I studied, I prayed, and I could not keep believing. If you want to know what I found, I will tell you. If you would rather not, I understand that too. What I cannot do is pretend for you.

Talking with the bishop

You owe the bishop nothing, but many people want to be honest and to stop callings and visits gracefully. Keep it short and set the terms.

Stepping back from a calling

Bishop, I want to let you know that I need to be released from my calling. My beliefs have changed and I am not in a place to serve in that role with integrity. I am not asking for counsel and I am not looking to discuss what I have read; I am just letting you know so you can make plans. I would also ask that ministering visits be paused for now. I appreciate you respecting that.

Declining an interview

Thank you for the invitation, but I am going to decline the meeting. I am working through my beliefs on my own and with my family, and I do not need anything from the ward right now. If that changes I will reach out.

Ward members, friends and neighbours

You do not need a speech. One sentence, repeated as often as needed, is enough.

The one-sentence answer

Thanks for asking. I'm taking some time away from church while I work some things out. I would still love to see you, just not on Sundays.

When someone wants to fix it

I can tell you care, and I appreciate that. I am not looking for answers right now, and I am not going to debate it. What would help most is if we could just keep being friends.

Holidays and family events

Decide in advance, with your spouse, what you will do and what you will not, and tell the host before the day.

Before a family gathering

We are really looking forward to being with everyone. Just so there are no surprises: we will not be joining for the temple trip on Saturday, but we will be there for dinner and the whole of Sunday. And if it is okay, we would rather my beliefs did not come up at the table; there will be plenty of time to talk one on one if anyone wants to.

When it comes up anyway

I would love to talk about that another time, just not now. Who wants dessert?

For yourself

The conversation you have with yourself matters as much as any of the others.

On a bad night

I am not broken. I am grieving, and grief comes in waves. I do not have to solve two hundred years of history tonight. I do not have to decide anything tonight. The people who love me will still be there in the morning, and so will I.