Telling people you no longer believe

“Coming out” is the phrase people reach for because it fits: you have something about yourself that the people around you assume is otherwise, and telling them changes how they see you. Like coming out in the other sense, it goes better with a plan.

The rings

Draw your relationships as rings. Ring zero is the person you share your life with. Ring one is children and parents. Ring two is siblings, closest friends. Ring three is the ward, extended family, colleagues. Ring four is everyone else.

The rule is simple: tell the inner rings before the outer ones, and never let an outer ring hear it before an inner one. A spouse who learns from the bishop, or a mother who learns from a cousin’s Facebook comment, is dealing with two wounds: the news, and the fact that they were not told.

Ring zero: your spouse

Tell them first, tell them early, and tell them before you have decided anything. Waiting months “until you are sure” feels kind and lands as deception: they will count back and realise how long you were pretending. Your marriage, and the mixed-faith marriage is the full guide; the scripts have opening lines.

The exception is safety. If there is physical or emotional abuse in the marriage, disclosure can put you at risk, and Natasha’s advice on the podcast stands: do not assume every marriage should be told, and get help planning before you do.

Ring one: children and parents

Children need honesty at the level they can hold, and they need to hear it from both parents with one message. Your children covers ages. Parents need to hear that you are still their child before they hear anything else; Parents, siblings and extended family and the letter to believing parents are for that.

The outer rings: ward, friends, everyone

You owe the ward nothing. One sentence, repeated, is enough: “I’m taking some time away from church while I work some things out.” The bishop is a ring-three person who may think he is ring one; The bishop, the ward and the neighbours explains how to handle that.

Why not just stay quiet?

Some people can, for a while, and some have to for reasons of safety, employment or a fragile parent. But the podcast’s view, and ours, is that a permanent closet is expensive. Hiding something this central breeds shame, anxiety and distance, and it means every relationship is with a version of you that does not exist. Aim for openness with the inner rings and privacy, not secrecy, with the outer ones.

Before each conversation, ask

What is my purpose in telling this person? Connection, honesty, safety, or wanting them to agree with me? Only the first three go well.
Is this person safe? Will they keep it, or broadcast it?
What do I need from them? Say it. They cannot guess.
What will I not discuss today? You are allowed to end the conversation.

What to expect

Fear of the reaction is almost always worse than the reaction. Most spouses do not leave. Most parents cry and then keep loving you. Most friends were less sure than they let on. And the handful of people who respond badly usually come around over years, if you keep the door open and do not make them choose between you and the Church.

In their words

From the podcast. Machine transcripts, lightly edited; the video is authoritative.

“I like this idea of thinking about who's most important in your life. That's ring zero, and maybe that's your spouse or significant other. Then ring one might be your children, or maybe your parents.”

“If there's some type of domestic violence, either physical or emotional, that is enough of a red flag to consider whether or not, or how, you're going to disclose. Don't just assume all marriages are meant to be disclosed upon, because your own safety may be at risk.”

“I rarely recommend, with something as important as religion, just living in the closet forever. I think it can lead to depression, anxiety, even serious disease. Living too long in fear, in the closet, with shame.”

“Be intentional about what your purpose is. You could have a really safe person, but is it really necessary that they know? For someone who's more private, like me, I ask: what's my purpose in sharing the information, what's my intention in sharing it, along with how safe they are?”