Sexuality after the rules change

For most Latter-day Saints, sexuality was the most tightly regulated part of life and the most shamed. It is also the part that changes fastest and most confusingly when belief goes, because the rules were never yours; they were issued. This guide is an orientation. Natasha Helfer, the podcast’s co-host, is a certified sex therapist and spent much of the series on this; her episodes and her practice are where to go next.

What you were taught

That sexual sin is next to murder. That masturbation is a serious transgression to be confessed to a middle-aged man. That pornography is an addiction that destroys families. That modesty is a woman’s job and men’s thoughts are her responsibility. That sex before marriage ruins you and sex after marriage should be frequent, joyful and problem-free with no practice. That same-sex attraction is a trial to be endured. Most people carry some of that into the bedroom for the rest of their lives unless they consciously unlearn it.

Shame does not leave with belief

This is the surprise. You can stop believing in the doctrine and still feel the shame, because shame was trained into the body before you could evaluate it. Information helps; it is not enough. What works is the same as for any conditioned response: exposure, practice, self-compassion, sometimes therapy. Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy and Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life are the two books we recommend most, and OMGYes is the practical education many women never received.

Masturbation and pornography

The podcast’s episodes 44 A More Effective Approach to Masturbation and Pornography: For Teens and Adults to 46 A More Effective Approach to Masturbation and Pornography: For Teens and Adults argue, from the clinical literature, that the Church’s framing is the harm: treating normal behaviour as addiction creates the secrecy, the binge-and-shame cycle and the marital damage it claims to prevent. Natasha’s position is that masturbation is healthy, that pornography use is a matter of values and boundaries to be negotiated between partners rather than a disease, and that “sex addiction” is not a recognised diagnosis. You do not have to agree; you should at least know that the people who study this do not agree with what you were taught.

In a marriage

A faith transition changes a couple’s sex life in every direction. Some couples find freedom: no more scheduled guilt, curiosity allowed, pleasure permitted. Some hit a wall: the believing spouse feels the non-believer now wants things they were taught were wrong; the non-believer feels married to the rules. Talk about it directly and early; it is one of the most common reasons mixed-faith couples end up in Natasha’s office. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a believing therapist who teaches sexual health to Latter-day Saint couples and can be the bridge for a spouse who will not read anyone else.

Single, or single again

Dating outside the Church, for the first time or after a divorce, means learning a set of norms nobody taught you: how people date, what sex before commitment means to other adults, consent, contraception, alcohol. Alyssa Grenfell’s chapters in How to Leave the Mormon Church: An Exmormon's Guide to Rebuilding After Religion are the plain-spoken version. Take it slowly, decide your own values in advance rather than in the moment, and remember that other people’s rules are not yours either.

LGBTQ+

If you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans or questioning, the faith crisis and the sexuality question are often the same question, and the stakes are higher. Affirmation, Encircle and Queer Mormon Therapists directory exist for this; the The Trevor Project is there at 3 a.m. John’s doctoral research was on Latter-day Saints who went through sexual orientation change efforts, and the finding was unambiguous: it does not work and it does harm. You are not broken and you were never a trial to be endured.

Women

Latter-day Saint women in particular were taught that their desire was secondary, their bodies were a hazard, and their pleasure was optional. Episodes 32 Top Issues/Tips for Mormon Women after a Faith Crisis through 36 Top Issues/Tips for Mormon Women after a Faith Crisis on the top issues for Mormon women after a faith crisis, and Laci Green’s 62 10 Things You Should Know About Healthy Sex – Laci Green, are where the podcast went into this.