Parents, siblings and extended family

Your parents are not being difficult when they take this hard. From inside the Church, a child leaving is the failure of the one thing they were told mattered most, and it threatens the family they were promised in the next life. Their grief is proportional to their love. That does not mean you have to absorb it, but it helps to know what it is.

What they are afraid of

That they failed. That you were led astray by someone. That you are in danger, now and eternally. That you will drink, divorce, lose the children. That the family will be broken up in the celestial kingdom. That other members will judge them. Most of what they say in the first year comes from one of those fears, and most of it is not really about you.

How to tell them

• In writing first, if you can. A letter lets them read it twice and cry in private. The letter to believing parents is a template.
• Say who you still are before you say what changed. Honest, hard-working, kind, theirs.
• Take the stereotypes off the table in advance. “This was not about sin or being offended.” They will think it anyway, for a while.
• Tell them what you need. To still be their child. To not be a project. To not have the bishop sent round. To have this not be the only subject.
• Do not bring the evidence. Offer it, once, and leave it. A parent who has decided not to look will not look, and your research delivered as an argument will be heard as an attack.

Boundaries

A boundary is not a threat and not a punishment. It is a statement of what you will do. “I am happy to talk about anything, but if the conversation turns into trying to bring me back, I am going to leave the room” is a boundary. Then leave the room, kindly, every time. Most families learn within a few months.

Some specific ones that help:

• Church talk is fine one-on-one, not at family dinner.
• Nobody sends the missionaries, the bishop or a General Conference talk without asking.
• The grandchildren are not the front line. Grandparents can share their faith with them lovingly; they cannot undermine their parents.
• Holidays and family events are negotiated in advance. Holidays, family events and General Conference weekend is about that.

Siblings

Siblings are unpredictable: some become your closest allies, some feel abandoned, some are secretly relieved and tell you so at 1 a.m. two years later. Tell them individually, not as a group, and expect the reactions to be about their own faith as much as yours.

The long game

Parents come around. Not all, not fully, and not on your schedule, but the pattern we have seen over twenty years is that a parent who is not forced to choose between their child and their church usually finds a way to keep both. Keep showing up. Keep being the person they raised. Let time do what arguments cannot. Episodes 16 Communicating with Believing Family and Friends and 17 Communicating with Believing Family and Friends have a whole evening of listener stories about exactly this.